Endless POFibilities -- April 2001

POFer Profile: Karen Denison

What is your volunteer job with the support group?
I host the chats on Wednesday evenings. I’ve been hosting for a few months now, every second and fourth Wednesday. I recently took over hosting every Wednesday because I have found a lot of satisfaction in it. One week, the dad of a newly diagnosed teenager was chatting with me, wondering how he and his wife were going to tell their daughter. I’m sure I didn’t answer THAT question, but I was there for him, answering other questions and understanding. I know that it has helped! On two occasions, I have actually telephoned a newly diagnosed woman who joined the chat, just because it was easier to talk in person than to just send impersonal chat messages. Both those occasions seemed to be helpful to the woman I phoned.

It helps me to cope with my POF just to know, personally, that there are others. Of course it hurts me, too, to know that there are others. But, knowing that my answers to their questions about HRT, about the emotional parts of POF, and about where to find answers from the WebSite and from their doctors are helping them to cope with POF helps me to focus on others more keenly. And focusing on others, rather than myself, has proved to be better therapy than anything else I have done for myself!Share a brief summary about yourself, how POF changed your life.

POF changed my life in very subtle ways. My daughter was born when I was almost 26. It took us (my husband and me) over a year to conceive her - and my Basal Body Temperature charts showed that I ovulated only three times in that year. I’m sure that I was POF (long) before I conceived, but I wasn’t diagnosed for another five years after my daughter was born. After my daughter was born, my (then) husband (we’ve been separated for almost six years now) and I tried for years to conceive another child. In that time, I had hot flashes and night sweats and many of the less physical, more mental, side effects that are commonly associated with menopause, like forgetfulness, dizziness, and moodiness. I also went through a very awful time when I was bleeding almost non-stop for over six months. During this time, the doctors I had didn’t know what to do - it was all stress, go on the Pill and that should take care of the problems (even though I was trying to get pregnant!!!); just relax and things will be better; it was all stress related. Like that was helpful! Not one of the OB/GYNs took my symptoms seriously enough to even test for FSH levels, not even the Infertility Specialist who finally delivered my daughter (and she was a woman)!

So for me, the diagnosis of POF (which came almost two years after my husband and I split up [definitely POF contributed to that]), was a relief. It was real. It was not in my mind. I was not a hypochondriac. And, even better, there were treatments.

It took me a very long time to get over my grief at never having another child. I was lucky - very - in that I had a wonderful daughter. And she is wonderful. It took me a long time (and quite a bit of psychotherapy!) to deal with the fact that I won’t have another child. My daughter is old enough that to start over would be difficult. And to start over with an adoption or a donor egg would be nearly impossible for ME. I’ve already spent almost four years all together trying to get pregnant - the fears of failure with DE would probably almost immobilize me.

How did your health care provider tell you about your diagnosis?
I had a follow-up appointment with my family doctor, who was the one who ordered the FSH test. She was fabulous. (I had just started going to her in 1996, and hadn’t mentioned my POF symptoms until early in 1997) She didn’t tell me on the phone; she waited until I was there in her office. She told me that the test results showed that my hormone levels were menopausal, but that I was too young for that. She also said that she had done a little research and found out that the correct name for what I was experiencing was Premature Ovarian Failure and that I needed to see a reproductive endocrinologist who could take better care of this condition.

Do you have any advice or tips for others?
Find a doctor you can truly trust. Don’t stop looking if the one you have isn’t the right one. It took me three doctors to find my RE. I think I was lucky for it to only take me three doctors!

Trust yourself. You know how you feel both physically and emotionally. Trust the people who are close to you and love you. Tell them how you feel if you think it might help you to deal with this. If your parents try to make you feel guilty that you can’t give them grandchildren, remind them that this was not your choice, and unfortunately, there are many additional things that cause you concern - get them on YOUR side by telling them what is hurting you and scaring you. The people who love you really do love YOU! They care; but the things that cause them pain about your POF are different than the things that cause you pain. Help them to understand, because, in my experience, once they understand, they are a wonderful, stable, strong place to rest yourself and be just yourself.

How has your spouse, SO or confidant been helpful to you in dealing with POF.
I do have an SO (significant other). He was very helpful to me – his background is in counseling psychology. He constantly reassured me that I was not OLD - in either looks or behavior - that was my most difficult hurdle. He was always there for me when I wanted to talk, but he never pushed me to talk to him about it. We have a very normal loving relationship and I always knew he would never leave me because of what I was going through. So, he helped me most by being AVAILABLE to me to talk about ANYTHING, but treating me just as his girlfriend most of the time.

How does he or she deal with POF?
I started going out with Mitch just after I found out about my POF. He doesn’t want any more children (he has one daughter who is one year older than my daughter) and that was one of the (many) appealing qualities with him! We dated non-exclusively for a year, using precautions; then we decided to be monogamous, got tested for HIV/AIDS (just a precaution, but one that we were both comfortable with) and for the last almost three years, we haven’t used any form of birth control. He knows that if ever I got pregnant, I would see it as truly magical, a miracle. And he’s comfortable enough with that idea that we would have the child. (like, duh!!!)

I made a choice about who I would become serious with in terms of SO’s... And I decided it would be easier on me to be with someone older than I am who doesn’t want any more children. Mitch is almost 11 years older than I am. It removes much of the pain of wanting another child.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
I’ve known about my POF (not that name, of course) a lot longer than since my doctor told me. It was such a relief to know that my symptoms were REAL, not some made-up thing. I think that is the reason I feel so strongly that women need to trust themselves and find the right doctor. I feel strongly, too, that the doctors need to be educated about POF. It was wonderful to see the article about POF in Cosmopolitan magazine in January. Articles like that will do so much to help women and their doctors become aware of a condition that affects many women.

You can contact Karen at Sulis27@yahoo.com

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